A story so deep from her heart, a story that must be read..
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID…..
This experience taught me to quiet my thoughts… To press pause on my tangled and obsessive thoughts and voices in my head, which often leave me feeling perplexed. These 2 hours etched smile-lines on my blushed cheek bones and opened an enigma to my soul and femininity that I did not know existed. Simone orchestrated a stage for me to reckon with a part of my soul that had fought my demons of abuse, facing someone that I loved dearly in court, insecurities, eating disorders, bipolar and depression for so very long… my soul was on a spa day ….
I felt like : (Quoted from Gatsby): “I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”
About 20 days after the shoot, I wrote a blog to express and publicly proclaim my renewed vigour, passion and pride in my capacity to LOVE SO DEEPLY! I am no longer apologising for being ME!! Once upon a time he told me I love to hard…. Well I shall now tell him, “It’s the only way to love.”
This blog is dedicated to a man that I once loved very dearly, borderline worshipped and ultimately wanted to spend forever with. The separation (officially 6 months ago) was like the death of a dream that I thought was going to last…. I loved him to a point of madness and reckless behaviour…. and he caved. He was worthy, but unwilling to accept my love. I want to tell him this: “I will love you always. My sanity was lost for a minute, but now I have channelled that love into my core. And oh, how I’m glowing!!”
I find my heart to be a kaleidoscopic unicorn… An alchemic energy force-field. It is so difficult to describe the deepest cockles of my heart to a person who has vanilla senses. This is dedicated to someone that I hope one day will truly experience the same alchemy of explosive energies possessing my lion heart, even be it for just one moment. For now, I will try to articulate my eternal quest for a love that is further than zenith and why I plunge steadfast into the abyss of the unknown gamble of turmoil or triumph…
I don’t just listen to your words. I listen to the choice of your words, your tone, your manoeuvres, your darting eyes, your facial expressions. I decipher your silences – I can discern everything that you do not divulge. It’s a raw feeling of extrasensory perception…
You speak to me with words, but I look at you with feelings. This fire in me is the vital essence that pervades and permeates, boils up from my core and softly graduates circles of love and light… Welcome to the open sesame of my soul… Hope you enjoy the ride. One look in my eyes and I’ll have you memorised… haunted by my hypnotic gaze.
Some may call me Schizoaffective, bipolar, psycho, sociopath or merely a delusional drama queen… But these “hallucinations” and devotions are my reality. They are the very blood that runs through my veins. They encompass and cripple me so…. feels like breathing water.
“She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply.”
— John Mark Green Poetry
On paper, my IQ is exemplary, so one would surely say, “Have some common sense, woman”. But it is not that simple. I have been somewhat wired to ignore my pain for the sake of my love for others, fighting for any toxic influence with my stubborn heart.
Making love with someone is an organic and raw artistry for me. But, I can only truly unleash my minx-like wrath on a lover whom I feel brave enough to let my psychic ability to run wild. At my fingertips I can effortlessly sense, smell, see, taste, touch and calculate in microseconds what my partner thirsts for. Even kissing him can feel as if I have grazed his very soul.
But this candyfloss-coated fluffy emotion, does not come free. There is a constant fear that my existence is a burden to all whom surround me. Restlessness, anxiety, heart break, insomnia, vivid and kaleidoscopic dreams, clairvoyant thoughts and feeling so responsible for such a wide array of people and situations. Crying is often my highest devotional song… It is a spiritual practice of mine and I cry with a pure heart that cannot equate to such a prayer.
Oh, but darling, why would I ever want to trade these feelings for the world? It is what makes my bones electric and my feet tap to the tune of my fabricated tales of love…. Delusions or not…. it’s my game…. my ever sweet addiction… love…..
My dearest Shakespeare inspired my most recent tattoo (saying “Fierce Love”) with his words: “ And though she be but little, she is fierce.”
THANK YOU SIMONE! Thank you for reuniting me with my ever sweet addiction: LOVE…..